My first real struggle with doubts in my faith happened in the dark depths of the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic. Faced with the hardships of the world, the political moment we were in, the frailty of human life, and my own struggles, it was very difficult for me to see the goodness of God.
Naturally, as my experience of faith shifted from pure joy and delight to frustration and confusion, I wasn’t really sure about God or the convictions of my Catholic community.
Had I gotten something wrong about the character of God? Was my community really interested in a deep life with an active and personal relationship with Jesus, or were they just interested in His moral and social teachings? And were those teachings really good or were they just arbitrary commands made centuries ago by religious leaders who wanted control?
These were hard questions and they led me into a “deconstruction” of sorts. I found myself turning over every aspect of my faith and asking if it was true and if it was good. Those months and years of struggling were immensely painful; it felt as though I was living out of alignment with my identity as a Catholic and with my community of fellow believers. I also wondered how God felt about it all – was He hurt, as though I was betraying Him or rejecting Him by having doubts?
Still, I am so grateful for the person God has shaped me into on the other side.
We can sometimes be tempted to run away from doubt. We hear nicknames like “Doubting Thomas” and assume that to ask questions or to be uncertain is a bad thing. We’re warned by well meaning people not to ask certain kinds of questions or explore certain sources because they could lead us astray. There is a kind of doubt and a form of deconstruction that leads to the ending of faith - and that is a tragedy. But when our doubts come from a true place of curiosity (even if that curiosity is spurred on by pain) rather than cynicism, it is possible that God is working in us to bring about a greater spiritual maturity.
The ultimate goal in our spiritual journey is to be united with God. Our call is to be transformed day by day by His love and to love Him so deeply that we experience “union.” Just like in a marriage, two people become “one flesh,”; God desires for us to become one with Him, restored in full relationship.
Saint John of the Cross used an analogy, comparing us to a cold, wet log and God to a blazing fire. When the log is thrust into the fire, it first experiences dehumidification as the water is steamed off. He called this “the Dark Night of the Senses” and while there is some pain, it’s largely a sweet process, as our sins and impurities are removed from us.
What happens next is less pleasant, as the log begins to blacken and burn, perhaps even giving off a noxious odour and becoming an ugly thing. This he called “The Dark Night of the Spirit,” where our wrongly held beliefs, attitudes, and practices in all their subtleties are burned away. We experience a removal of everything that we rely on that isn’t God.
This darkest stage comes right before the log bursts into flames and is transformed, becoming one with the fire.
The doubts and difficulties we experience with our faith are not a bad thing at all - they are an invitation to union with God. If something about the faith doesn’t sit right with us, we are being called to examine that and see how our understanding could more closely align with the heart of the Father. In the spiritual life, nothing is ever just surface level; we can always be drawn into a deeper contemplation.
If there’s something to be admired in the doubting of Thomas the Apostle, it’s that he was never ashamed to ask questions. He may have doubted, but his doubt led him to experience the intimacy of putting his own hand into the Body of Christ.
So what do we do when we experience these doubts? When we’re on the dark side of transformation, unaware of what comes ahead? Here are a few anchors:
1 - Stay committed to the spiritual disciplines
Daily prayer, Mass, adoration, Sabbath, fasting - even when these things feel like they’re producing no fruit they can be a guardrail to grab onto in the dark. It might be painful, excruciating even but it’s often in these practices that a deeper faith emerges from over time.
2 - Be a part of a spiritually mature and supportive community
One of the most dangerous things we can do when we’re experiencing doubt is to isolate ourselves. Disconnected from other people, what’s meant to be an invitation to depth can become a cynical navelgazing. Find people you can trust and share openly and honestly about your struggles - you may even discover others experiencing the same doubts as you and you can walk together towards something better.
It’s important to emphasize that you should look for a community that will give you the space to work through your doubts and questions. Look for someone whose wisdom you admire (not someone who would just agree with anything you say), so that they can spur you on in your quest for truth. If those around you aren’t able to relate to your struggle or possibly even react with fear or judgement , it’s okay to suspend sharing your doubts with them. Look for someone who can receive you where you are and let that person be a refuge for your journey.
Doubt can be a difficult thing but there’s no reason to be afraid of it. Trust that God will bring you through on the other side to a deeper abundance and intimacy with Him even if you can’t imagine how. He won’t leave you in the dark longer than you can handle.
